i knew this couldve not been posted...
what if ill repost that to finnish then?
i knew this couldve not been posted...
what if ill repost that to finnish then?
How do you upset Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
Poke her face.
lol, this wasn´t even THAT bad 
Here's one I got e-mailed earlier, it's not THAT bad...but!
An Arsenal supporter and a Man Utd supporter get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither supporter is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Arsenal fan sees the Man U supporter's shirt and says, "So you're a United fan, I'm an Arsenal fan. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should be friends, put our rivalries aside, and live in peace the rest of our days." The Man U fan replies, "I agree with you completely." The Aresnal fan continues, "And look at this. Here's another sign. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Jack Daniels didn't break! Surely we should drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Utd fan. The Man Utd fan agrees, takes a several big swigs and hands the bottle back to the Arsenal fan. The Arsenal fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Utd fan. The Utd fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"The Arsenal fan replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
An Arsenal supporter and a Man Utd supporter get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither supporter is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Arsenal fan sees the Man U supporter's shirt and says, "So you're a United fan, I'm an Arsenal fan. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should be friends, put our rivalries aside, and live in peace the rest of our days." The Man U fan replies, "I agree with you completely." The Aresnal fan continues, "And look at this. Here's another sign. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Jack Daniels didn't break! Surely we should drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Utd fan. The Man Utd fan agrees, takes a several big swigs and hands the bottle back to the Arsenal fan. The Arsenal fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Utd fan. The Utd fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"The Arsenal fan replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Old old old.
Old, but still bad.
This one's great
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
That didnt belong here either...I just wet myself laughing at it!
haha, nice one.
Hahahah..
Rofl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d
Three friends hiking through the jungle get captured by a tribe of cannibals. They get dragged in front of the cannibal chief. The chief says to them: "You have to pass our sacred ritual, or else you will be killed and eaten! Your dirst task is to head out into the jungle and find me ten fruits of the same kind and bring them to me!"
So the three friends scatter off into the jungle. Before long, the first one returns, carrying ten peaches. The chief says to him: "Now take the fruits and shove them up your ass. If you manage to do so without uttering a single sound, you pass and may live on!"
The first peach goes in silently, at the second one, the captive exhales strongly between his clenched teeth, but the third one was too much. He moans loudly and is killed on the spot.
After the corpse has vanished in the cannibals cauldron, the second friend appears, carrying ten tiny little berries. Again, the chief explains: "If you shove all your fruits up your ass without making a single sound, you will live".
"Piece of cake" thinks the second one and starts inserting the berries into his behind. As expected, one by one they vanish smoothly and silently without much trouble. But as he's about to shove up the tenth and last berry into his rectum, he bursts out in laughter and is killed instantly.
In front of the heaven's gates, the first and second meet again. "What did you do? I saw you from up here and the berries seemed to be no problem. What happened?" the first one asked. The second friend answered: "Well, it went really nicely, but just at the tenth berry was about to go up my ass, guess what happened: Our third mate came appeared between the trees, his hands full of pinapples!"
So the three friends scatter off into the jungle. Before long, the first one returns, carrying ten peaches. The chief says to him: "Now take the fruits and shove them up your ass. If you manage to do so without uttering a single sound, you pass and may live on!"
The first peach goes in silently, at the second one, the captive exhales strongly between his clenched teeth, but the third one was too much. He moans loudly and is killed on the spot.
After the corpse has vanished in the cannibals cauldron, the second friend appears, carrying ten tiny little berries. Again, the chief explains: "If you shove all your fruits up your ass without making a single sound, you will live".
"Piece of cake" thinks the second one and starts inserting the berries into his behind. As expected, one by one they vanish smoothly and silently without much trouble. But as he's about to shove up the tenth and last berry into his rectum, he bursts out in laughter and is killed instantly.
In front of the heaven's gates, the first and second meet again. "What did you do? I saw you from up here and the berries seemed to be no problem. What happened?" the first one asked. The second friend answered: "Well, it went really nicely, but just at the tenth berry was about to go up my ass, guess what happened: Our third mate came appeared between the trees, his hands full of pinapples!"
tl;dr
what did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
"i can't see fek all in this shit"
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a stick
what's the difference between a pig and a babe?
8 pints
"i can't see fek all in this shit"
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a stick
what's the difference between a pig and a babe?
8 pints
Wonder how many actually get this one.
A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.
My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.
A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.
My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.
I wouldn't be surprised if absolutely zero people got it.
So I guess you got it
0K = 0 degrees Kelvin = - 273 degrees Celcius = absolutely zero
What did K T Tunstall fall?
Suddenly Icy
:doh:
You can't use "degrees" with Kelvin because it is a absolute scale. (0K, not 0°K)
I laughed out loud with the joke when I'd first seen it
Omg terrible lol
I typed "Chelsea" into my sat nav yesterday and was surprised to find it's only 2 minutes from Rome.
that is not a bad joke so it must be spam
Really? I thought I learned it with degrees, but then again, that's years ago.. I'm getting old
Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.
He's going to be their bow selector.
A man was admitted to hospital this morning with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.
His condition has been described as stable.
He's going to be their bow selector.
A man was admitted to hospital this morning with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.
His condition has been described as stable.
The bad jokes thread
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FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG