In the cemetery I saw four men carrying a coffin round & round & round.. Then Three hours later, I saw the same four men with same coffin & i just thought to myself.
''Yep.. They've lost the f@#king plot.!!!!!!!!!"

How do crazy people get through the forest? They take psychopaths.

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.

My girlfriend's going to be really happy with me. I've told her to stay in and polish my medieval battle re-enactment uniform while I go to the pub with the lads.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

The missus left a note on the telly for me. 'It's not working, I'm leaving....'
I plugged it in, turned it on, effing nothing wrong with it.....

Did you ever come home and found all your belongings on the driveway, a brick in your windshield, your underwear on ebay and a note saying "Thats what you get for cheating me you filthy liar"?

My ex did. (tried my best translating)

Quote from ACCAkut :

Did you ever come home and found all your belongings on the driveway, a brick in your windshield, your underwear on ebay and a note saying "Thats what you get for cheating me you filthy liar"?

My ex did. (tried my best translating)

Aww

4 engineers are traveling in a car: a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer, and a Computer Engineer. When the car stops working the Mechanical Engineer states, "It must be something with the engine, I'll run out of the car and open the hood". "Ill go with you and make sure the wiring hasn't failed" exclaims the Electrical Engineer. The Chemical Engineer says, "I'll take a fuel sample." They all turn and look to the Computer Engineer and ask his opinion. He stares back blankly and states, "What if we get out of the car then get back in again?"

What do you do to a chemist when he dies? . . . Barium.

I think my dog must be an engineer...
I kicked it in the bollocks and it made a bolt for the door..

Paddy tells Mick that he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

"**** off", says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!".

:clapclap: you own this thread, I laughed at that dog/engineer joke and tried explaining to a not-quite-fluent-in-english friend, and got some stupid looks.

Got a massive roll of bubble wrap delivered to work today. I asked the boss what to do with it and he told me just to pop it in the corner. Took bloody ages!

Quote from amp88 :

Got a massive roll of bubble wrap delivered to work today. I asked the boss what to do with it and he told me just to pop it in the corner. Took bloody ages!

oh wait i get it nevermind

My son (IRL I mean) has just discovered the concept of 'jokes', so at the moment we're regularly treated to such gems as 'Why was the sea sad? Because there was a sheep on it!'

Quote from Crashgate3 :

My son (IRL I mean) has just discovered the concept of 'jokes', so at the moment we're regularly treated to such gems as 'Why was the sea sad? Because there was a sheep on it!'

not getting that one

That's the point. He's two.

ah

Quote from Crashgate3 :

My son (IRL I mean) has just discovered the concept of 'jokes'

No, I don't think he has. Also, where else could he be from if not RL?

What's the difference between a Snickers Bar and a female transvestite?


one contains real nuts.

Police came round to my house today, and told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike.
I told them it cant be my dog, as my dog doesn't even have a bike.

I asked my wife for a little oral relief last night. "What! You want me to suck you off?" I said: "No, just shut the feck up for five minutes."

Quote from lap traffic nz :

I asked my wife for a little oral relief last night. "What! You want me to suck you off?" I said: "No, just shut the feck up for five minutes."

The girlfriend stopped talking to me last night. She wanted me to take her somewhere special for her birthday. Apparently, "up the arse" wasn't what she had in mind.