Cyanide & Happiness just rocks.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When
ever I sneeze I have an orgasm..'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard
of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper'
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When
ever I sneeze I have an orgasm..'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard
of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper'
Hahah 
what happens if you put gansta in to gansters hideout?
gangsta dies.
gangsta dies.
I was wondering where my joke went too I thought the man deleted it but infact eh me made a biggy and posted it in another thread
Bed sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
a ghost."
Happy Halloween!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
a ghost."
Happy Halloween!
The epic bump has already been made, so...
Ouch. Ooh. That is indeed a biggy. I'm surprised it wasn't noticed. Mabye it would have broken up the fight! My insides are hurting bad!
The 2012 London Olympics are supposed to restore British National pride.
£20 billion to restore British National pride?
For £20 billion, we could have written '**** OFF GERMANY' on the moon.
£20 billion to restore British National pride?
For £20 billion, we could have written '**** OFF GERMANY' on the moon.
This is the worst joke I've ever heard. It's a physics joke, which doesn't help 
Neither does the fact that my physics teacher is shocking at telling jokes.
All the famous (dead) scientists are playing hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is it. He counts to 100, whilst all the others hide. Rutherford hides behind a tree. Hooke ducks beneath a rock. Mrs Curie runs into god's house. Newton decides to 'hide' right behind Einstein, but draws a box 36 inches across around him.
Of course, as soon as Einstein finished counting, he found Newton immediately. (If you actually want to possibly laugh at this joke, then imagine Einstein saying all this in a German accent :P)
"I have found you Newton"
"I am not Newton"
"Yes you are, Issac Newton"
"I am not Newton. I am Pascal. 1 Newton per metre squared".
Neither does the fact that my physics teacher is shocking at telling jokes.All the famous (dead) scientists are playing hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is it. He counts to 100, whilst all the others hide. Rutherford hides behind a tree. Hooke ducks beneath a rock. Mrs Curie runs into god's house. Newton decides to 'hide' right behind Einstein, but draws a box 36 inches across around him.
Of course, as soon as Einstein finished counting, he found Newton immediately. (If you actually want to possibly laugh at this joke, then imagine Einstein saying all this in a German accent :P)
"I have found you Newton"
"I am not Newton"
"Yes you are, Issac Newton"
"I am not Newton. I am Pascal. 1 Newton per metre squared".
How did Hitler really die?
He had a heart attack when he saw his gas bill.
He had a heart attack when he saw his gas bill.
I found that one funny
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.
So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
36 inches is 1 yard. There are ~39.4 inches in a metre.
Logic fail!
A boy asked his father: "Dad, I don't understand this society thing the teacher was talking about in school today." "Well, lets see if I can explain it to you. Let's take our family for instance: Your dad earns all the money, so I'm the market economy. Your mother consumes all the money I earn and makes all the decisions, so she is the government. Our nanny keeps this household running, so she is the enterprizes. We all are always looking after your interests, so you are the citizens. And your little brother, he's the future of our country."
The next night the boy woke up to his little brother crying. He had pooped his pants. So the boy went to the bedroom of his parents only to discover that his mother was fast asleep and his father was no where to be seen.
So the boy went to the nanny's bedroom door and took a peak thru the keyhole. There he saw his father on top of the nanny. He knocked on the door but no-one answered. So he went back to his own bed.
The next morning the boy went up to his dad, and said: "Dad, I've finally figured out this society thing." "Well that's great" dad replied. "Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
"Well, while the government is fast asleep the market economy screws the enterprizes and the citizens get ignored when the future of our country is up to it's neck in deep shit."
The next night the boy woke up to his little brother crying. He had pooped his pants. So the boy went to the bedroom of his parents only to discover that his mother was fast asleep and his father was no where to be seen.
So the boy went to the nanny's bedroom door and took a peak thru the keyhole. There he saw his father on top of the nanny. He knocked on the door but no-one answered. So he went back to his own bed.
The next morning the boy went up to his dad, and said: "Dad, I've finally figured out this society thing." "Well that's great" dad replied. "Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
"Well, while the government is fast asleep the market economy screws the enterprizes and the citizens get ignored when the future of our country is up to it's neck in deep shit."
Haha
My physics teacher fail
That's just awful
Love it!
I was at the olympics and some guy with a big thing on his shoulder came over to me. I said to him, "Are you a polevaulter?"
"No, i'm german. How did you know my name was Walter?"
"No, i'm german. How did you know my name was Walter?"
A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news
was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man
is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette
$50.
The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched
the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5
o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
- How do French poodles greet each other?
Bone-jour.
- What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
I just felt like putting this one in white... so only read if you really want. (I find it funny thought)
[joke]Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon
searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of
cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the
chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the
usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into
the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical
pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so
off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and
proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit
and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10
pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his
facialexpression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to
shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to
kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend
lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical
berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly the guy busts
out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to
kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just
happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up and you were
home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the
path with 10 pineapples!"[/joke]
was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man
is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette
$50.
The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched
the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5
o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
- How do French poodles greet each other?
Bone-jour.
- What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
I just felt like putting this one in white... so only read if you really want. (I find it funny thought)
[joke]Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon
searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of
cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the
chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the
usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into
the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical
pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so
off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and
proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit
and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10
pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his
facialexpression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to
shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to
kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend
lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical
berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly the guy busts
out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to
kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just
happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up and you were
home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the
path with 10 pineapples!"[/joke]
Couldn't help but think of the League Of Gentlemen here...Mau Mau
You know what they say, eh lfsforum? bmrsrdef.
'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday’ demanded Little Barry. He was a troublemaker at school and was constantly getting into trouble at home, at school and in the street. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
Dear God,
I've got your Mum. If you ever want to see her again, Send the f****** Bike!!
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
Dear God,
I've got your Mum. If you ever want to see her again, Send the f****** Bike!!
A boy goes up to his dad and asks whats the difference between theoretically and realistically. So the Dad says 'go ask your mum if she would sleep with the postman for £1million. The boy asks his mum, and she said that she would. He goes and tells his Dad that she would. The dad says okay, now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the postman for £2million. So the boys goes and his sister and she says that should would. So the boys goes and tells his father that his sister also said yes. So the Dad says 'theres your answer, theoretically we are sat on £3million, but realistically we are living with 2 slags.
A Black Obese woman walks into a Doctors with a sore throat, and says Doc I have a Sore throat. So the Doctor says strip off and go and squat in the corner, so she goes and squats in the corner and the Doctor goes ok, go and Squat in the other corner. So she goes and squats in the other corner and says Doc will this help me soar throat, he replies no, I'm going to give you medication for that, I just wanted to see what the new chairs I have ordered are going to look like.
Another:
A woman walks into the doctors and says Doc I'm not feeling to good. The doctor says ok get on your hands and knees and crawl from one side of the room to the other. So she gets down and crawls from one side of the room to the other. So the Doc says I see what is wrong, you have a sackalike. She says "Whats a sackalike". So the Doctor says well your face is 'sackalike' your arse.
Another, a bit cruel I know. (*May cause offence to some as its about the 911, it is a bit cruel) *White text.
Breaking news.... After years of investigation on the cause of the 911 its been found that it wasn't the muslims it was the Irish!!! Apparently Pat and Mick were fitting doors on the 44th floor, Pat said that the door was too big so Mick told him to go get a plane and take the top off!!!
Hope that no one takes offence to that joke. For anyone who doesn't know what the plane is referring to, it's a tool for shaving wood off.
This one isn't a joke but a little ryhme.
Mary had a little snatch, a teeny tiny hole,
Johnny couldn't fit it in, his massive manly pole.
He greased her up squirmed and shoved,
and pinched her little tit,
but nothing seemed to work for him,
the dam thing would not fit!!
So Mary drank a lot of wine,
and smoked a little grass,
and just as she was passing out,
he shoved it up her ass!
A Black Obese woman walks into a Doctors with a sore throat, and says Doc I have a Sore throat. So the Doctor says strip off and go and squat in the corner, so she goes and squats in the corner and the Doctor goes ok, go and Squat in the other corner. So she goes and squats in the other corner and says Doc will this help me soar throat, he replies no, I'm going to give you medication for that, I just wanted to see what the new chairs I have ordered are going to look like.
Another:
A woman walks into the doctors and says Doc I'm not feeling to good. The doctor says ok get on your hands and knees and crawl from one side of the room to the other. So she gets down and crawls from one side of the room to the other. So the Doc says I see what is wrong, you have a sackalike. She says "Whats a sackalike". So the Doctor says well your face is 'sackalike' your arse.
Another, a bit cruel I know. (*May cause offence to some as its about the 911, it is a bit cruel) *White text.
Breaking news.... After years of investigation on the cause of the 911 its been found that it wasn't the muslims it was the Irish!!! Apparently Pat and Mick were fitting doors on the 44th floor, Pat said that the door was too big so Mick told him to go get a plane and take the top off!!!
Hope that no one takes offence to that joke. For anyone who doesn't know what the plane is referring to, it's a tool for shaving wood off.
This one isn't a joke but a little ryhme.
Mary had a little snatch, a teeny tiny hole,
Johnny couldn't fit it in, his massive manly pole.
He greased her up squirmed and shoved,
and pinched her little tit,
but nothing seemed to work for him,
the dam thing would not fit!!
So Mary drank a lot of wine,
and smoked a little grass,
and just as she was passing out,
he shoved it up her ass!
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f*cking plane!!'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f*cking plane!!'
Lols
How do you get a fat lass into bed ?
Piece of cake
Piece of cake
l
The bad jokes thread
(1536 posts, started )
FGED GREDG RDFGDR GSFDG