Arsenal.

Quote from jwardy :

Arsenal.

That made my night.

Quote from jwardy :

Arsenal.

I don't get it.

Manchester united beat them 8-2 yesterday.

I just had to blow up one of the tyres on my car. I drove to the garage but instead of taking a 20 pence piece the air compressor now takes a 50 pence piece. I asked the attendant why there was such a big price increase. "That's inflation for you", he replied.

‎"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Dave."
"Dave who?

"Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

Quote from jwardy :

I rang Old Trafford to find out what time kick off was
They said "About every 10 minutes"

Poor Arsenal lol

A N G B.......That's BANG out of order!!!

My girlfriend of 6 months announced to me she is leaving me .... Based on the fact that some of my actions are thoughtless... in bad taste and down rite disgusting.
I was so shocked I nearly choked on her piss.

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a Tax Disc.

Traffic police stopped Werner Heisenberg for speeding.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" asked the cop.
"No, but I know exactly where I am," replied Heisenberg.

BREAKING NEWS... Colonel Gaddafi has agreed to give himself up to NATO, on the condition that he'll stand trial at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.....

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said "You're obviously not listening".

My wife saw a horror movie yesterday. She said "it scared me half to death". Now shes afraid to see another one.

Lithuanian national football team fits so much in this thread.

I have so many jokes, it's not even funny.

It has all the colours of the rainbow and if it falls on your head, it hurts like hell. What is it?
A paint shop

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!

The other day my wife said she thought we would have less arguments if I was less pedantic. I told her she meant we would have "fewer" arguments.

Two catholic priests are driving down a road. They get into a police cordon. They lower the windows and ask the nearest officer: "what's happened?". The policeman tells them: "We're looking for two child molesters!"
The priests raise the windows again, but instead of driving off they can be heard arguing in the car. After a short while, they lower the windows again and tell the police officer: "Allright, we'll do it!"

What do you say to a woman with a black eye?

You say nothing. She's already been told once.

kwenda: this lady who works here is so disgusting
kwenda: fat and ugly
kwenda: she rubbed my hair in the middle of a meeting
kwenda: i stood up and left the meeting without saying anything
kwenda: went to supercuts and got a shampoo and a haircut
kwenda: walked back into the meeting and sat down

Did you hear about the man who cut himself?
He's all right now!